To the east, the midwest, and back to the Pacific

I find the east coast a little scary.  Always have - this poor midwest girl just can't handle the speed of it all - and all the black!  I forgot how much black they wear!  Coming back to the mainland is always fun and I get to go to my favorite places that Hawaii doesn't have (Target, Victorias Secret, etc) and then there are places that I forget about and it's delightful to stumble upon an old favorite place that I'd forgotten about.  Panara Bread was the big one this time (how could I have forgotten the joy of cheesy broccoli soup in a sourdough bread bowl?  and how do i live without it?)  And then there was the reminder of how hot boys look in turtle-neck sweaters (I'd forgotten that too). 

This whole trip was due to my absolute begging of my advisors to let me go to a conference on infectious diseases and climate change...kinda hypicritical I guess to fly 6000 miles to hear more about climate change (guess my carbon footprint is a little big...like sasquatch big).  But I did learn some interesting things - for one - the general conclusion is that global warming will not lead to massive outbreaks of malaria and ebola in your backard (you being my American friends).  I guess that's a good thing, but not so good for my ph.d research plan - better to find out now I guess, instead of in two years.  Some interesting not-so-healthy effects of global warming include more ragweed because more CO2 makes it grow more - like a fertilizer (my deepest condolences go out to my allergy-suffering friends) and poison ivy is going to get more poisonus.  (Which you gotta admit is kinda cool - poison ivy also likes CO2 and increased levels are showing to make more poison in the plant and a stronger poision - hello killer Poison Ivy - she was always my favorite comic book character).

Another interesting tid-bit is that more American's believe in flying-saucers than evolution.  Don't they realize we evolved from aliens?  (jk).

From DC I flew home to Wisconsin for a few days, and now I'm on my way back to Honolulu (from Milwaukee via Chicago via DC via Dalla via Los Angeles and then Honolulu...ridiculious, I know...I may have two carbon footprints by now).  I've got six weeks to finish my master's degree and if I do, I've been selected for the fellowship I've been lusting over for two years.  Although I was more than ready to get off the rock, I'll be continuing my isolation in Hawaii for 2-3 more years (but the pay will be a little better). 

-------------------------------------
Ends, beginnings, and middles

I had my bags packed, my stuff reduced down to the bare minimum (only that which can fit into my car in one load), and one foot was out the door.  I was ready to go, I would have been happy going.  I had decided to go.  But then I got what I wanted - the fellowship I had been lusting over since before I even started going to grad school.  I had bitterly accepted defeat (probably to save face more than anything).  But then I got it, and funny how not a word was mentioned about how they discouraged me from applying. 

And now I got what I wanted, I'm starting to be more and more surprized by my ability to get "whatever I want" - I know it's been joked about in the past that I can do and get whatever I want, but the more this occurs the more it reminds me of 'be careful what you wish for senerios.'

So I've just commited myself to at least two more years in Hawaii (probably three) and to do a ph. d.  Which is something I've always wanted to do, and I get to do a project that I want to do (instead of being slave to someone else's ideas and plans).  The fellowship also opens me up to the ability to go to conferences and mingle with the brilliant minds moreso than I'd otherwise be able to. 

I'm happy.  Overall, this won't be bad.  I really feel that grad school has broke me down to nothing though.  They destroyed my confidence in the beginning and although it's been slightly re-built (in the semi-annoying fashion of an inteillectual who thinks 'common people' could never understand) it still isn't how it was.  The lack of support overall depresses me most because with a bit more guidence I could do so much more.  Looking at the hoops I've had to jump through, it's amazing I've done anything at all (other than lay in my bed and cry every day).  I can do a lot, I am a hard worker, and I'm very independent, but every once-in-awhile I need to be told I'm on the right track (becuase sometimes I'm not) and I need to be trainned.  I am here to be trainned.  I am here to learn from brilliant minds - to work with them (not entirely 'for' them). 

I by no means what to be micromanaged, and I understand that I could be in the opposite situation, which would be a lot worse (and probably unbearable for me).  But I just get so bummed out that I'm not doing more.  I really don't feel like I've done much, but yet I feel like I am working non-stop.  I'm exhausted.  Mentally, physically, spiritually.  And there is no end in sight.  There is no break in sight.  Just more work.  But this is what I wanted, what I fought for, what I demanded. 

------------------

I've been too long in Hawaii, I don't know if I'll ever be able to return to the mainland perminantly.  I don't know how to function here.  I do get super excited about little things though.  Some things I look forward to - for instance - shopping.  I get to go shopping at Target, Victoria's Secret and Express.  And then there are amazing things that I stumble on that I've forgotten - like Panara Bread and CVS pharmacy (so much better than Longs!).  And things are so much cheaper here.  The SAME thing, in the SAME store, cheaper just becuase I'll be carrying it over the ocean instead of it going on a big ship.

I'm on the East coast right now, which has always scared it a little bit.  I'm a midwest girl - country at heart.  I had never been in a taxi till I went to college.  Public transport was something I'd never experienced either.  And the sophistication of the East coast is just so different.  My first morning at the conference I felt so wrongly dressed - how dare I wear anything that's not black?  I was presently surprized to remember how hot men are in turtleneck sweaters though - don't see many of those in Hawaii. 

The conference was really good, although it overall didn't support my cause.  Pretty much ever speaker discussed how climate change is not going to play a role in infectious disease incidence or distribution.  But they did reiterate, over and over again, how crutial a role the environment plays in disease.  So that supports my cause.  I also spent a lot of the conference being hella-neverous that the big-shot man from my university was there (and speaking).  He did talk to me a few times though, which was cool, and of course, I bumbled like an idiot - but what do you do?